Is there something going on in your life that you want to share with your partner? Or is there something about your partner that is bothering you or maybe it’s something he/she has been doing for a while now? Or perhaps it could be your finances as a couple that needs to be discussed. It could even be a secret you want to tell your partner about and you are worried about their reaction.

Difficult conversations are just that; DIFFICULT & are an inevitable part of any relationship. And no one looks forward to entering a difficult conversation. Difficult conversations not only make you feel vulnerable but are also risky because you never know how your partner will react to what you say or you may get hurt by your partner’s reaction. And there’s always a chance that you’ll hurt your partner with what you say.

There comes a point in every relationship where you can’t pretend anymore that everything is ok, that you have a great relationship with your partner. There comes a point when you have to sit down and talk to your partner. Needless to say, having a difficult conversation brings you emotionally closer to your partner. It deepens your bond in a way you couldn’t comprehend. Your emotional connection and intimacy levels only amplify. It makes your relationship stronger and stable.

Preparing for the conversation

1. Choose the right time and space

It’s about timing and the space you choose to have the conversation in. Choose a time where both of you aren’t stressed, anxious or exhausted. Your partner wouldn;t want to feel cornered if you choose to have the conversation while at a restaurant or perhaps when he or she has just walked in from work. Choose a time when you are both relaxed and when each of you have had the chance to unwind. It could be after a meal at home or perhaps when you choose to go for a walk. 

2. Use grounding techniques before you begin the conversation

You wouldn’t want to just blurt out what’s on your mind. That can be potentially disastrous for both of you. Instead try some grounding techniques that will help keep you grounded and set the tone for you to talk calmly to your partner.

• Deep Breathing: Take slow, deep breaths for a few minutes before you begin. This will calm your anxiety and help clear your mind.
• Mindfulness: Stay in the present moment. Practise a few minutes of mindfulness meditation that will help keep you present.
• Visualisation: Imagine the outcome of your conversation is positive and visualise a respectful and understanding dialogue between you and your partner.

3. Understand your reasons for the conversation

There’s always a reason when you want to have a particularly difficult conversation with your partner. Is there an issue that’s been nagging you? Is it something he said or did? Do you want to discuss a lie he or she may have told? Is it his or her harmful or hurtful behaviour? Or maybe you are concerned about your levels of intimacy and you want to be more connected. Whatever the reason, understanding it will help set the tone for the conversation. Ensure that you stay on course, talk calmly and not end up blaming one another.

How do you begin the conversation with your partner?

1. Always use ‘I’ statements

Do you know what causes alarm or warning bells in your partner’s mind? Using phrases like “can we talk” or “we need to talk”. It’s like a warning to them that something is wrong and there’s an argument that’s going to happen. By using “I” statements you take responsibility for your thoughts and words and your partner is then willing to hear what you have to say rather than prepare to get defensive. Use statements like:

“I’ve been thinking about….”

“What do you think about….”

“I would like to talk about….”

“I would like to understand your perspective about….”

Can you see how neutral these statements are? There are lesser chances of getting into an argument.

2. Stay focused on the topic of discussion

If you’ve initiated the discussion, chances are your partner may stray off the topic or perhaps one conversation may just fall into another topic. It’s not the time to bring up topics from the past or tricky issues that weren’t slated for discussion. To keep the discussion on track, you could say something like, “Let’s discuss one thing at a time” or “Let’s take up this topic [the unplanned topic] tomorrow. But let’s work on this problem today.”

3. Listening is key

Often you try to think ahead or plan what you want to say but that’s a bad idea here. Listening to what your partner has to say is key to making difficult conversations work. Stop yourself from interrupting when he or she is speaking. Don’t start thinking about your next remark or response when your partner is mid-sentence. Stay present and absorb every word your partner says and understand the non-verbal cues like their expressions, emotions or body language while they are talking. And most importantly, don’t make hasty judgments about your partner.

4. Reflective listening

While listening is key, it’s also important to understand what’s being said. The ability to understand and reflect the words and feelings that comes with the conversation is important to ensure you have understood them correctly. In a particularly difficult conversation, it is important that both you and your partner agree that what you’ve understood is a true representation of what your partner meant to say. Reflecting does not mean interrupting your partner, asking new questions or leading the conversation in another direction. The objectives of reflective listening are:

• To allow your partner to ‘hear’ their own thoughts & for you to focus on what they say and feel
• To show your partner that you are trying to perceive the situation as they see it and and you are doing your best to understand their point of view
• To encourage your partner to continue talking

5. Take responsibility for your part in the conflict

Now is not the time to get defensive about your actions. It’s the time to take responsibility for your part in the conflict that arose between both of you. If you are trying to work through an issue, it’s important to understand how your words and actions have affected them.It could be recognizing when your emotions have been hampering a productive conversation or even apologising if you’ve done something hurtful.

6. Be calm and respectful

Resolving a conflict via dialogue can always bring up negative feelings or make either of you again endure the pain and hurt associated with the topic. It’s important to realise those feelings and keep them under control. Pay attention to your thoughts, feelings, voice & body language.

Avoid: tense body language like keeping your arms crossed, rolling your eyes or giving a deep sigh while your partner is talking.

Do: take a few deep breaths if you begin to feel emotional and wait until you feel in control again. If needed, take a 10-15r minute time out to collect your thoughts and feelings.

7. Approach the discussion with a problem solving mindset

Most couples entering a discussion tend to focus on winning the dialogue. But is that the right approach? It’s natural to want to be right but it’s important to arrive at a solution that works for both of you. You may even have an outcome in mind before the conversation begins but remember; it’s important to listen to the solutions your partner comes up with. If you need to make a note of all the possible solutions, then do so. It’s important that you and your partner discuss each solution and work with what is best for both of you.

Conclusion

Couples get stuck in poor communication habits and tend to sweep issues under the rug. But when you are aware of how to communicate with one another, you will have more control about what happens between you. It may not be easy at first to get that conversation started but once you do, it will be easier to navigate the issue.